Meet the Machinders

I think my weird neighbors have set a trap to lure me into their house. They've put out bait: a pair of vintage "Jumbo Machinder" robots, the same sort that were sold in the USA in the Seventies as "Shogun Warriors." I've always loved toys like this. And mint condition specimens go for a small fortune in Tokyo toy shops. Man, I've always wanted a Mach Baron, the double-amputee red guy propped against the wall. (The unfortunate one in the foreground is a dismembered, decapitated Getta One, for those of you keeping score.) They appeared suddenly about a week or so back. Walking by these guys day after day kills me. Even in their sad state, it takes everything I've got to to stop myself from vaulting over the gate and "liberating" them.

"I've got to rescue them," I finally say to Hiroko after what must be the fifth time passing by.

"No way," she replies.

"But they're worth a fortune... In mint condition, anyway," I add quickly, noting that Mach Baron's feet appear to have been dipped in raw sewage.

"Forget it. Look at that house. It's, like, cursed." Cursed? The place IS strange, but it doesn't have that Amityville Horror vibe, even if it does happen to be The Last House on the Left.

I've never actually seen the people who live there, but I've heard them described as "old-ish." Are the Machinders theirs? Their son's? I couldn't tell you. The house is nondescript, grubby, and apparently inhabited by shut-ins or packrats. One side sits inches from the Inokashira line train tracks. The other features a battered gate and a steep staircase that leads to the front door. On warm days it's propped open with what appears to be an old can of paint. The left side of the stairs is used as a makeshift morgue for dead houseplants. Near the bottom sits an overturned TV stand flanked by an ancient skateboard. For the longest time a pink vinyl flag emblazoned with the English word HELP hung from a ragged tree just inside the gate. A bedraggled and not particularly happy-looking brown mutt often sits at the base of the steps. The entire area smells like stale urine. I'd always sort of thought of the flag as being the dog's silent plea for release. Fellow translator and neighbor Alex has a better idea. He thinks it's from a Japanese schoolgirl being held captive in the attic.

But man, those Machinders. Maybe I can get over the gate after dark. Hiroko catches the wistful look.

"I'm going to kill you if you bring those stinky toys into the house."

"Those aren't toys, honey. They're art. Japanese folk art." Or I could write a note. Yeah, pin a note to the gate or the dog or something.

"They're junk. That one doesn't even have any feet! Or a head. Leave them. I'm not kidding."

Sigh. I'm married to a toy philistine. Nothing else to do but feign agreement and keep walking for now.

In spite of the fact that bringing them home will result in mucho nights on the couch, I've secretly made repeated attempts to mount a rescue mission. First via the doorbell, which is held together with duct tape and only rings, grudgingly, once out of five presses. And then by shouting up the staircase ("Hi, I'm a white man! Can I have your toys?") No dice. I've all but resigned myself to watching my Jumbo buddies weather the elements like a pair of polyethylene lawn gnomes. There's got to be an analogy about the passing of youth in here somewhere. That or captive Japanese schoolgirls.

Comments

[Roger]

I've been told that in Japan, if you steal something it's legally yours if you can hold onto it for 3 days.

[Steve Harrison]

Don't do it Matt! It's a trap!

Look at those dead plants...the way they sit..that air hose, see how the head of RB is *behind* it? Like you have to move the hose to take it?

come on, you've watched enough Super Sentai to spot this sort of thing...soon as you make the grab, a monster made from Jumbos and Gokin will appear, along with the sexy female villian and chuckle how they're going to turn you into a weapon or something...

And isn't that an offical Police Notice hanging there, that green banner? It would be bad to ignore it, right?

Still...those should be rescued..RB's feet, piffle, you can rinse them at some public hose or washstand or something..get a pack of 'pee-pee' wipes or something from the 7/11...

[Allyson]

Mom & Dad would kill me if they knew some of the stuff I sell on eBay is "liberated" from peoples' trash.

[sir jorge]

what's this? an ancient skateboard? Now that's what I'm talking about!

[Trevor Tang]

That is one hilarious story. I think you should go for it and rescue those poor JMs. Just don't tell the wife. LOL.